


The Choices We Make

by Basmasadek



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean, Crying Dean, Dean Has Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Top Castiel, Top Dean, switch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:51:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basmasadek/pseuds/Basmasadek
Summary: Every night, Dean would dream the same nightmare where he had to choose between Sam and Castiel. the nightmare always ended with Castiel's death. How Dean is going to handle that? and what will he do if the nightmare became true?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, Guys. hope you enjoy this fic. please tell me what you think, your comments will make my day.
> 
> English is not my first language so you might find a hopefully few mistakes. feel free to point them out.

_It was dark._

_And dump._

_Dean was on his knees. He felt something drip down the side of his face._

_Blood._

_He was injured._

_Also, his arms were bound behind his back with a strong rope._

_Pain. There was pain everywhere in his body. Like someone decided to use him as a piñata._

_Something feels wrong. Really, really wrong._

_He heard harsh breathing. It wasn’t his own._

_He wasn’t alone._

_He opened his eyes carefully. He didn’t realize his eyes were even closed._

_The moment he completely opened his eyes, fear and panic spread through his body replacing the pain._

_NO! No, no, no!_

_His heart was bounding so fast. He can’t breathe._

_Facing him with a few feet separating them, there was Castiel and Sam. Both were bloody, on their knees and also there arms bound behind their backs. Just like him. But they looked way worse than him._

_What panicked him even more was the shadowed figure standing behind them. He couldn’t see his face, but he could see the gun in his hand just fine._

_“I will count to ten. If you didn’t choose one before I finish counting I will shoot both of them.”  The man said in a harsh voice. His words made Dean freeze from panic._

_He can’t choose between his brother and his husband! That’s insane!_

_The man didn’t seem to agree because he start to count._

_“One.”_

_He can’t be serious._

_“Two.”_

_He won’t choose. He won’t!_

_“Three.”_

_He can’t do this._

_“Four.”_

_Sam and Cas were staring at him with fear and sympathy._

_“Five.”_

_They knew how much he was struggling. They both wanted him to choose the other. But secretly, they wished Dean would choose them._

_“Six.”_

_“Dean! Choose Sam! He is your family!”_

_“No Dean! Choose Cas! You will be destroyed without him! Don’t sacrifice your happiness for me!”_

_“No, Dean!”_

_“Dean, just choose him already!”_

_“Seven.”_

_He can’t do this! He can’t!_

_“Eight.”_

_Please, stop counting! He won’t choose! He would rather die than losing one of them!_

_“Nine.”_

_NO!!_

_“Ten!”_

_The man raised his gun ready to shoot both of them._

_“NO!” Dean screamed and his legs moved unconsciously and purely on instinct. He found himself running forward fast. And landed on his knees behind Sam to cover him from the man’s view._

_When he realized what he had just done it was already too late._

_“Looks like you made your choice.” The man said and without another word he raised his gun and shoot._

_“No! Don’t!”_

_But it was too late._

_Castiel fell in front of Dean. Dead. Shot at the back of his head. His lifeless eyes staring at Dean. Accusing. Blaming. Disappointed._

_“NO! NO, no, no!” Dean screamed over and over again. Castiel was dead! Because of him! Because he made his choice! Castiel died knowing Dean chose Sam over him._

_He felt like dying. He kept screaming. Over and over again._

_“CAS! No! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”_

_Castiel died because he made a choice._

_“I’m so sorry, Cas!”_

_Castiel is dead._

_Dean sobbed and screamed. Castiel died thinking Dean didn’t see him important enough to save him._

_“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! Cas!! I’m sorry!”_

“DEAN!”

***

Dean sat up bolt upright on the bed panting harshly, tears falling from his eyes.

It was a nightmare! Worst nightmare Dean ever dreamed. And coming from Dean that meant a lot.

He raised his eyes to meet the frantic blues of his husband, who was wrapping his arms around him and holding him close to protect him from the evils of the world.

“It was just a dream, Dean.” Castiel murmured soothingly in his ear trying to calm him. “It’s okay. You’re okay now. You’re safe.”

Dean sobbed harshly at that. He wrapped his arms around Castiel and buried his face in his chest and sobbed. He couldn’t look at those love filled, beautiful blue eyes. He couldn’t. He failed Cas. He disappointed him. Even if it was just a dream. It felt too real to Dean.

Castiel held him close and murmured soothing words in his ear and rocked him gently, letting Dean to let it all out.

After what felt like hours, Dean calm down a little. But still refused to pull his face away from Castiel’s chest. Still didn’t feel like he deserved Castiel’s loving gaze. If Dean told him what his dream was about, would he look at him with the same warm, love filled eyes? Or would they be filled with disappointment and hurt instead?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Castiel whispered gently into his hair where he buried his face.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t disappoint him. Couldn’t hurt him. Couldn’t tell him that in Dean’s subconscious he knew he will always choose Sam. Over everybody else. But Castiel wasn’t everybody else. He was everything. He wasn’t sure anymore.

“No. not really.” He whispered into Castiel’s chest. Guilt rising in his chest along with pain and self-hatred.

Castiel nodded in understanding and didn’t try to push him to talk. He didn’t deserve him.

They stayed wrapped around eachother for a few more minutes. Neither really willing to let go just yet.

When Dean felt like he could breathe normally again, he pulled away a little. But still couldn’t meet Castiel’s eyes.

“Better?” Castiel asked cupping Dean’s cheek gently with one hand.

No, Dean was far from better. But he will be a selfish bastard if he said otherwise.

“Yeah.” He lied and knew that Castiel knew that.

Castiel, however, didn’t comment. He wordlessly laid them both down. Made Dean face the otherside, then wrapped his arms around him and pulled him flush to his chest and pressed his face in Dean’s neck.

Dean placed his hands over Castiel’s on his waist and tried to go back to sleep but knew it was impossible.

One thought was plaguing his brain.

What if that wasn’t just a dream? What if it was a vision?

The thought made Dean’s body shiver making Castiel pulling him even closer.

He didn’t deserve him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Morning came and Dean still didn’t feel any better.

He was too shaken up to go back to sleep all night and Castiel stayed awake with him refusing to sleep if Dean didn’t.

So, obviously, they look terrible in the morning. Both had dark circles under their eyes. Sam suspected they were tired because they were too ‘busy’ all night to sleep. But when he saw Dean’s bloodshot eyes, he knew something was wrong.

Dean kept crying all night. Every time he closed his eyes he would see Castiel’s dead face staring at him accusingly.

Castiel tried to convince him to talk to him. Tell him what’s wrong. But Dean couldn’t. He couldn’t tell Castiel what his nightmare was about. He couldn’t see the look of disappointment and hurt in those eyes. He couldn’t cause Castiel pain.

Right now, Dean was sitting on the table with Sam and Cas eating breakfast made by Sam. And it was terrible. But he was too tired and shaken up to care.

He can feel Cas and Sam’s worried stares on him. But he couldn’t meet their gazes. He just couldn’t.

Instead he kept staring at his wedding ring, rolling it around in distraction. He remembered the day Castiel proposed to him. It was the best day of his life. Castiel was nervous as hell, It was funny to see the mighty fallen angel so nervous and worried. They were watching Dr. Sexy on the TV when Dean finally noticed how fidgety Castiel was. Like he was trying to do something but too nervous and scared to do it. When Dean finally asked what’s going on, he dropped to his knees and presented the ring to him with shaking hands and asked him to marry him while he was too scared to meet his eyes. Like he was afraid Dean would reject him, Push him away and tells him to leave. Again.

Dean didn’t bother to answer then. He shakily dropped to his knees in front of Cas and kissed him like there was no tomorrow while tears falling from both their eyes. Later when they were making love Dean screamed his answer over and over again all night.

The wedding was small. Just them and their remaining friends. But to Dean? It was amazing.

Castiel was stuck between being human and an angel. Not strong as before but definitely stronger than all of them. He eats and sleeps. And can get hurt.

Dean’s hands shook at that thought. Castiel can get hurt. Can die.

He felt Castiel’s hand placed gently over his shaking ones. He raised his eyes to meet Castiel’s own maybe for the first time since last night. His breathe caught like always at the warmth and adoration he always sees in those eyes. He couldn’t imagine his life without this gaze directed at him. But right now there was also concern and worry in there too. And Dean hated himself for placing that there.

He tried to smile reassuringly at him but knew he wasn’t convincing anyone. But he will try. He will try to go back to normal. It was just a nightmare. It’s not like it will happen again.

***

_It was dark and dump._

_He was on his knees, hands bound behind his back._

_Pain. Pain everywhere._

_Sam and Cas facing him. On their knees. Bloodied and bounded. Eyes wide and scared._

_“I will count to ten. If you didn’t choose one before I finish counting I will shoot both of them.”_

_He can’t choose between his brother and his husband! That’s insane!_

_“One.”_

_He can’t be serious._

_“Two.”_

_He won’t choose. He won’t!_

_“Three.”_

_He can’t do this._

_“Four.”_

_Sam and Cas were staring at him with fear and sympathy._

_“Five.”_

_They knew how much he was struggling. They both wanted him to choose the other. But secretly, they wished Dean would choose them._

_“Six.”_

_“Dean! Choose Sam! He is your family!”_

_“No Dean! Choose Cas! You will be destroyed without him! Don’t sacrifice your happiness for me!”_

_“No, Dean!”_

_“Dean, just choose him already!”_

_“Seven.”_

_He can’t do this! He can’t!_

_“Eight.”_

_Please, stop counting! He won’t choose! He would rather die than losing one of them!_

_“Nine.”_

_NO!!_

_“Ten!”_

_The man raised his gun ready to shoot both of them._

_“NO!” Dean screamed and his legs moved unconsiously and purely on instinct. He found himself running forward fast. And landed on his knees behind Sam to cover him from the man’s view._

_When he realised what he had just done it was already too late._

_“Looks like you made your choice.” The man said and without another word he raised his gun and shoot._

_“No! Don’t!”_

_But it was too late._

_Castiel fell in front of Dean. Died. Shot at the back of his head. His lifeless eyes staring at Dean. Accusing. Blaming. Disappointed._

_“NO! NO, no, no!” Dean screamed over and over again. Castiel was dead! Because of him! Because he made his choice! Castiel died knowing Dean chose Sam over him._

_He felt like dying. He kept screaming. Over and over again._

_“CAS! No! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”_

_Castiel died because he made a choice._

_“I’m so sorry, Cas!”_

_Castiel is dead._

_Dean sobbed and screamed. Castiel died thinking Dean didn’t see him important enough to save him._

_“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! Cas!! I’m sorry!”_

_***_

“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! Cas!! I’m sorry!”

Castiel woke to Dean screaming this words. Over and over again.

He frantically sat up and cupped Dean’s face trying to wake him up. But Dean just kept screaming how sorry he was.

Sorry? Sorry for what? Why Dean was apologizing to him in his dream? What’s going on?

Castiel started to panic when Dean starts to writhe and shiver violently without waking up.

“Dean! Please wake up! It is just a dream, Dean! Wake up!” he gathered him in his arms and held him close to his body while he kept calling to him gently.

Finally, Dean gasped harshly when he woke up. He saw Dean’s frantic, panicked eyes locked with his.

“Dean..” he was interrupted by Dean throwing himself at him, burying his face in his chest and sobbed loudly.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” he sobbed harshly while clinging to him. He kept repeating that over and over again.

Castiel’s heart broke. He couldn’t handle seeing Dean like that. Scared, broken and crying like that.

He wrapped his arms tightly around him, bringing him closer to his body and rocked him gently.

“Shh, Dean. It’s okay. It’s just a dream. It’s okay.” He whispered gently into his hair in a soothing voice trying to calm him down.

But Dean only cried harder. “I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.”

Castiel shushed him gently, pressing his lips to his hair.

They stayed like that for hours. Until Dean passed out in his arms tiredly.

Castiel stared at his sleeping form. Worry clawing at his heart.

What’s Dean dreaming about that makes him shaken up like that?

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The next few weeks were torture. On both of them.

Dean had the same nightmare, Every.damn.night! And he would always wake up screaming, then sobbing pitifully on poor Castiel’s chest.

The weirdest part was that nightmare would repeat itself perfectly. Dean tried to change things. Tried to end it differently. Tried to save both of them. But no avail. The nightmare would always end with Castiel dead on the ground staring at him accusingly.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t! He watched Castiel die way too many times already. This nightmare was killing him slowly.

The worst part was that he was aware he was hurting Castiel too. After every nightmare, Castiel would stay awake next to him, refusing to sleep if Dean won’t. He would hold Dean in his arms and keeps telling him that it was okay, that he was safe, that no one would hurt him.

He still didn’t know that Dean wasn’t afraid of someone hurting him, but he was afraid that someone will hurt Castiel.

Dean couldn’t tell Castiel what he was dreaming about. Couldn’t tell him that every night, he fails him. That he didn’t deserve all that love Castiel was directing at him.

During the day, he would avoid Castiel. Unable to look him in the eyes. He knew it was hurting Castiel. But Dean knew if he met the angel’s eyes, he would breakdown in front of him and shout out what he was dreaming about while sobbing on his chest. He couldn’t let that happen.

Sam was also extremely worried about him. It was obvious. He tried to talk to him. Tried to coax him to let it all out. But what Dean was supposed to say to Sam? Hey, Sammy! I dream every night that I choose you over my own husband and it’s killing me from inside because I want to stop that but I can’t? Yeah, not going to happen.

They can’t know. It will destroy everything.

Dean will deal with it on his own. He always had.

***

Castiel’s heart was breaking.

Dean was avoiding him, more and more every day. He didn’t meet his eyes anymore. And he had no idea why.

What if Dean’s nightmares were about him? What if Dean was dreaming of Castiel hurting him? Was Dean afraid of him? No, it doesn’t make sense. Because Dean would always scream in his sleep about how sorry he was. But sorry for what?!

Dean wouldn’t talk to him. And that confuses and hurts him. He thought they could tell each other everything now. That Dean would trust him enough to tell him what’s bothering him. But he guessed he was wrong.

***

_It was dark and dump._

_He was on his knees, hands bound behind his back._

_Pain. Pain everywhere._

_Sam and Cas facing him. On their knees. Bloodied and bounded. Eyes wide and scared._

_“I will count to ten. If you didn’t choose one before I finish counting I will shoot both of them.”_

_He can’t choose between his brother and his husband! That’s insane!_

_“One.”_

_He can’t be serious._

_“Two.”_

_He won’t choose. He won’t!_

_“Three.”_

_He can’t do this._

_“Four.”_

_Sam and Cas were staring at him with fear and sympathy._

_“Five.”_

_They knew how much he was struggling. They both wanted him to choose the other. But secretly, they wished Dean would choose them._

_“Six.”_

_“Dean! Choose Sam! He is your family!”_

_“No Dean! Choose Cas! You will be destroyed without him! Don’t sacrifice your happiness for me!”_

_“No, Dean!”_

_“Dean, just choose him already!”_

_“Seven.”_

_He can’t do this! He can’t!_

_“Eight.”_

_Please, stop counting! He won’t choose! He would rather die than losing one of them!_

_“Nine.”_

_NO!!_

_“Ten!”_

_The man raised his gun ready to shoot both of them._

_“NO!” Dean screamed and his legs moved unconsiously and purely on instinct. He found himself running forward fast. And landed on his knees behind Sam to cover him from the man’s view._

_When he realised what he had just done it was already too late._

_“Looks like you made your choice.” The man said and without another word he raised his gun and shoot._

_“No! Don’t!”_

_But it was too late._

_Castiel fell in front of Dean. Died. Shot at the back of his head. His lifeless eyes staring at Dean. Accusing. Blaming. Disappointed._

_“NO! NO, no, no!” Dean screamed over and over again. Castiel was dead! Because of him! Because he made his choice! Castiel died knowing Dean chose Sam over him._

_He felt like dying. He kept screaming. Over and over again._

_“CAS! No! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”_

_Castiel died because he made a choice._

_“I’m so sorry, Cas!”_

_Castiel is dead._

_Dean sobbed and screamed. Castiel died thinking Dean didn’t see him important enough to save him._

_“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! Cas!! I’m sorry!”_

_***_

Dean gasped sharply when he woke up. He couldn’t do this anymore. It became worse every night. He couldn’t anymore.

He reached for Castiel, but his heart stopped when he found nothing. He was alone in bed. Castiel wasn’t there.

Dean started to panic. He was breathing harshly. His heart pounding so fast. Where is Cas? Where did he go? Did he finally leave him? Did he realize that Dean was too much to handle? Dean wasn’t worthy anymore? Went to sleep outside because he was tired of Dean’s shit? Did he leave for good? Was- was Castiel ever here? What if- what if all those past weeks were a dream and the nightmare was the reality? What if the nightmare did really happen and Castiel was- was dead all those weeks and Dean was convincing himself it was just a dream? 

No! It can’t be! It was just a dream! It didn’t happen! He didn’t fail Cas! He didn’t let Cas die!  

“Cas! Cas! Where are you?! Cas!” Dean started to scream in panic. Not thinking straight anymore. Too overwhelmed by pure panic. “Cas! I need you! Please, where are you!”

Dean curled into a ball on the bed. Bringing his knees to his chest and started to sob loudly, eyes wide with panic. He couldn’t breathe. It was hard to breathe. He can’t do this without Cas. He can’t get through his nightmares without Cas holding him after it. He can’t! he needs Cas!

“Cas!!!!”

_Please, I need you. Please._

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

In the middle of Dean’s breakdown he vaguely heard the bedroom door slammed wide open. But he didn’t dare to look up. Didn’t dare to hope.

But then he felt a pair of strong, familiar arms wrapped around his body tightly, and a face pressed into his hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m right here. You’re safe. I’m right here. I’m sorry.” He wailed when he heard Castiel whispering in his hair frantically and rocking him gently.

Dean wrapped his arms tightly around him and pressed his face in Castiel’s chest and sobbed loudly. He was afraid if he didn’t hold on to him tight enough he would disappear again. He doesn’t even know if that was real or just a dream. He didn’t know anything anymore.

Castiel kept whispering how sorry he was for not being there earlier, and that he was safe. And that he was here. Dean wished he could believe that. Wished to believe that all of this was real. He was afraid to hope.

At the now opened doorway he saw Sam standing looking at him with concern and fear. Dean froze.

***

Castiel couldn’t sleep. His worry about Dean made him unable to settle down and go to sleep. He stared at Dean’s sleeping form. He seemed peaceful. For now. But Castiel didn’t know for how long.

He sighed tiredly while sitting up on the bed. He hates this. He couldn’t do anything to undo Dean’s pain. He was helpless in front of Dean’s suffering. He knew Dean felt safe when Castiel held him after his nightmare and would calm down a little, but was that enough?

Castiel felt like there was sand in his throat. A feeling he now knew it was thirst. He needs to drink some water but he hesitant to leave Dean, even if it was for only just a few minutes.

His thirst won eventually. He promised himself he won’t take too much time to go back to Dean.

He carefully got out of the bed, trying to untangle himself from Dean’s arms without waking him up. Then made his way quietly towards the kitchen.

He was startled when he found Sam awake and sitting in the kitchen, drinking a beer. That was strange and unusual.

“Hello, Sam. What’s keeping you awake? And since when you drink late at night? Castiel asked in concern. Worried about what was bothering the younger Winchester.

“Hey, Cas. The same thing that is keeping you awake too obviously.” Sam smiled sadly at him.

Castiel sighed and moved to set across from Sam. “You are worried about him too.” It wasn’t a question. It was a fact.

“Did he talk to you?” Sam asked his brow furrowed in concern.

“No, he won’t tell me anything. I was hoping he told you. But I guess he doesn’t want to talk like always.” Castiel sighed again. Worry eating at his heart. Dean was getting worse and worse everyday. Dark circles under his eyes, his face pale, and he looked like he was ten years older than he really is. It was scaring Castiel so much.

“Well, he is Dean. It’s not like him to talk about what’s going with him.” Sam was silent for a few seconds.” Does he say anything in his sleep? Anything that can tell us what he is dreaming about?”

“He always screams about how sorry he was.”

“Sorry? Who he is apologizing to? And for what?”

“Me. He always apologize to me. He always wakes up screaming ‘I’m sorry, Cas.’ And that he needs me.” Castiel placed his face in his hands. “I don’t understand. He is obviously, dreaming about me. And it is bad. Really bad. But why would he apologize? It is driving me crazy not knowing what’s going on.”

“I don’t know, Cas.” Sam sighed tiredly. “But he obviously needs now more than ever.”

Castiel was about to respond but was interrupted by the screams and wails that came from their bedroom.

His blood ran cold. He didn’t think. He shot from his chair and ran as fast as he could towards their bedroom. Dean was in distress. Dean was panicking. He shouldn’t have left him. He should’ve knew that Dean would panic when he didn’t find Castiel. He should’ve known better.

He slammed the door wide open and his heart shattered at the sight. Dean curled up into a ball on the bed. Shaking and sobbing violently. And screaming his name over and over again. He shouldn’t have left him.

He ran towards him and gathered him in his arms. He hid his face in Dean’s hair and kept whispering how sorry he was. Tears slowly falling from his eyes.

Dean’s arms wrapped around him tightly. Like he was afraid Castiel would disappear if he didn’t held on tight enough. More tears fell from his eyes.

He suddenly felt Dean tense in his arms. He looked at him in worry and saw that Dean was staring at the doorway with wide panicked eyes. He looked and saw Sam standing there and Castiel understood what’s going on.

Dean didn’t want Sam to see him like that. In his most vulnerable and fragile moment. Didn’t want Sam to see how broken he was. How scared he was.

“Sam, it’s okay. Please, go to your room.” Castiel said in a voice filled with tears.

“But..”

“Sam, please! I will take care of him. Please go!” he begged, eyes pleading Sam to understand.

Sam seemed like he did understand, he nodded sadly and moved hesitantly away then left after closing the door.

Dean seemed to relax after Sam left. He pressed his face to Castiel’s chest again, grateful that the angel knew what he needed.

He pressed a soft kiss on top of Dean’s head. Dean was still shaking. He pressed him closer to his body.

“Shh, I’m right here. I’m not leaving you. It’s okay.” He whispered again pressing kisses everywhere he could reach.

“Prove it.” He heard Dean say in a strangled voice but was muffled by his chest.

“What?”

“Prove that you really here. That you didn’t leave.”

Castiel’s heart broke at the pain and uncertainty in his voice.

“Please, Cas. I need you.”

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

These words coming from Dean will always be Castiel’s undoing.

He looked down at Dean’s fragile look in his eyes and made up his mind.

He knew how to prove to Dean that he was there. The only way he knew how.

He gathered Dean in his arms and manhandled him so now he sat in his lap with his knees on both sides of Castiel thighs, the he pressed his lips to Dean’s gently and wrapped his arms tightly around his waist.

Dean completely melted in Castiel’s arms while wrapping his arms around Castiel’s neck, bringing his face closer to his.

Castiel pushed his tongue gently into Dean’s mouth, his heart flattered and the small whimper the hunter let out.

While still kissing, they slowly removed each other’s sleep wear. They were just in T-shirts and boxers, normally they would sleep in the nude, but they didn’t made love since the nightmares started. Dean couldn’t even meet his eyes then.

Castiel pushed these thoughts from his head. Focusing only on the beautiful man in his arms. The man that he would absolutely do anything for. Would give his own life to save him without a second thought.

Now, both naked, their hands travelled everywhere. Memorizing eachother all over again. Castiel made sure to kiss and touch all Dean’s special and weak spots. His lips kissing and nipping at his neck, marking it everywhere.

Dean was moaning and whimpering, clinging to him with all his strength, refusing to let go. He slowly started to grind his hips against Castiel’s making them both moan loudly.

Castiel’s hand trailed down Dean’s back gently, until he reached his entrance. He circled his hole for a few seconds making Dean writhe and whimper. Grabbing the lube from under the pillow, he coated his fingers, then pushed one gently inside Dean.

Dean threw his head back, moaning loudly, eyes wide. Like he was trying so hard to believe this was real.

Well, he should maybe prove it a little more.

He added another finger, then started to move his fingers around, searching for something. When Dean arched and moaned his name loudly he knew he found it. He kept pressing on his prostate for a few minutes until Dean is putty in his arms, a writhing putty. He added another finger and started to scissor him open.

“Please, Cas.” Dean murmured against his neck. “Now, please. I need it. I need you.”

Those damned words again. He will do anything Dean asked right now, even robbing a bank.

He removed his fingers carefully, then lubed himself well.

He grabbed Dean’s hips and positioned him over his dick, then lowered him slowly. Their eyes never left eachother’s. Eyes that reflect so much love, adoration and warmth. They both needed eachother right now. Needed the comfort. The closeness.

When he was fully inside Dean, they stilled for a few seconds to catch their breathes. Then, Dean started to move, slowly raising his hips up then slammed back down. Their rhythm was slow at first, but then Dean started to slam himself down harder and Castiel thrust up to meet him.

Their lips were locked together, devouring eachother. Castiel then started to kiss down Dean’s neck, to his collarbone, then to his chest. He wrapped his lips around a nipple and sucked at it.

Dean moaned, wrapping a hand around Castiel’s head and pressed his face closer to his chest. His other arm wrap around Castiel’s shoulders to steady himself while thrusting down.

Castiel wrapped a hand around Dean’s dick and start to bump it with his thrusts. Dean was close now, and so was he.

“Cas, Cas, Cas.” Dean was moaning his name over and over again. Like he was trying to prove still that he was there.

Castiel moved his lips to Dean’s again.

“I’m here. I will always be here.” He whispered against his lips. “You’re safe. I will never leave you. I love you.”

Dean screamed Castiel’s name when he came, Castiel followed him soon after moaning Dean’s name.

The collapsed on the bed. Dean on top of him. They breathed heavily, trying to catch their breathes.

When Castiel started to pull out of him, Dean stopped him quietly.

“Please, stay there.” He whispered quietly. And Castiel couldn’t refuse him anything.

He pulled up the covers around both of them, then wrapped his arms tightly around Dean.

“I love you, too.” He heard Dean whisper, and it brought a smile to his face.

“I know, Dean. I’ve always known.”

They both fell asleep soon after.

***

  _It was dark and dump._

_He was on his knees, hands bound behind his back._

_Pain. Pain everywhere._

_Sam and Cas facing him. On their knees. Bloodied and bounded. Eyes wide and scared._

_“I will count to ten. If you didn’t choose one before I finish counting I will shoot both of them.”_

_He can’t choose between his brother and his husband! That’s insane!_

_“One.”_

_He can’t be serious._

_“Two.”_

_He won’t choose. He won’t!_

_“Three.”_

_He can’t do this._

_“Four.”_

_Sam and Cas were staring at him with fear and sympathy._

_“Five.”_

_They knew how much he was struggling. They both wanted him to choose the other. But secretly, they wished Dean would choose them._

_“Six.”_

_“Dean! Choose Sam! He is your family!”_

_“No Dean! Choose Cas! You will be destroyed without him! Don’t sacrifice your happiness for me!”_

_“No, Dean!”_

_“Dean, just choose him already!”_

_“Seven.”_

_He can’t do this! He can’t!_

_“Eight.”_

_Please, stop counting! He won’t choose! He would rather die than losing one of them!_

_“Nine.”_

_NO!!_

_“Ten!”_

_The man raised his gun ready to shoot both of them._

_“NO!” Dean screamed and his legs moved unconsiously and purely on instinct. He found himself running forward fast. And landed on his knees behind Sam to cover him from the man’s view._

_When he realised what he had just done it was already too late._

_“Looks like you made your choice.” The man said and without another word he raised his gun and shoot._

_“No! Don’t!”_

_But it was too late._

_Castiel fell in front of Dean. Died. Shot at the back of his head. His lifeless eyes staring at Dean. Accusing. Blaming. Disappointed._

_“NO! NO, no, no!” Dean screamed over and over again. Castiel was dead! Because of him! Because he made his choice! Castiel died knowing Dean chose Sam over him._

_He felt like dying. He kept screaming. Over and over again._

_“CAS! No! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”_

_Castiel died because he made a choice._

_“I’m so sorry, Cas!”_

_Castiel is dead._

_Dean sobbed and screamed. Castiel died thinking Dean didn’t see him important enough to save him._

_“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! Cas!! I’m sorry!”_

***

This time, Dean didn’t wake up screaming. He screamed enough for one night, his voice wasn’t there anymore.

He just laid there on Castiel’s chest, eyes wide and his heart pounding so fast. But he didn’t dare to wake Castiel again.

Two nightmares in the same night.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

He needs help.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Dean, obviously, didn’t go back to sleep for the rest of the night.

He just laid there on top of Castiel, resting his head on his chest, his dick still in his ass, trying to absorb all the comfort he could get without waking his husband.

When morning finally came, and he heard movement outside indicating Sam was awake.

He made his decision. He seriously needs help. He couldn’t do this on his own anymore.

But he couldn’t tell Castiel. He just couldn’t. he will lose him. He won’t survive this. Besides, he already had burdened Castiel enough.

He untangled himself from Castiel’s arm as carefully as he could, hissing quietly when he raised his hips to release Cas from inside him, already feeling empty.

When he got out of the bed he breathed a sigh of relief at Castiel’s still sleeping form. But then he started to stir, and started to search for him in his sleep. Dean grabbed a pillow and placed it in Castiel’s arms. He watched the angel settle down a little as he hugged the pillow close to his chest.

Dean’s heart ached at the sight, warmth spreading through his chest.

Would Castiel still do that if he knew? Probably not.

He sighed sadly while he dressed quietly. he couldn’t lose Castiel. He won’t survive a day without him.

This nightmare is driving him absolutely insane. Whoever is plaguing his mind must really knew him. To make him choose between the two most important people in his life. On one hand, there was his baby brother, the pain in the ass kid that he practically raised, the one he spent his whole life protecting and sacrificing his life for, the only one left from his family, he would always trade his life for Sam in a heartbeat. He was his family, his brother, his kid.

But on the other hand, there was Castiel, His husband, His lover, His best friend, the love of his life, his home. His everything. The only reason he wake up in the morning, the one he lives for, the one who gave up everything for him. Gave up on his belief, his family, the world he knew, heaven just for him. The one that would rather die than seeing Dean in pain. The one Dean would feel like he was in heaven when he just smile at him that special smile that Castiel always keep for Dean. The one with eyes filled with so much warmth and love when he looked at Dean. The one Dean will willingly give up his entire world for. His life.

How the hell can he choose between them? Why would he? He would rather die than seeing one of them gone.

But what if that nightmare was a vision? What if it became true? Dean felt a shiver ran through his body at that thought. No, no it can’t happen. It will end him.

He cast one last look at Castiel before he left the room.

_I can’t lose you. I can’t._

He left the room, closing the door quietly behind himself. Then made his way towards the kitchen where he knew Sam must be.

As expected, he found Sam sitting on the table, drinking coffee tiredly. Oh right! He awaked Sam too last night by his pathetic wailing. Just perfect.

When Sam noticed him, he raised worried eyes towards him, looking hesitant to speak as to not spook him or something.

“Morning, Dean. How- how are you now?” Sam asked uncertainly but with deep concern.

Dean decided to be honest for once in his life. “Terrible.” He replied honestly.

Sam seemed taken aback by Dean’s blunt answer. He was quiet for a few seconds trying to gather his thoughts.

“Could- could you please talk to me about it? Cas and I are really worried about you, man. We deserve to at least know what’s going on.” Sam pleaded giving him the damned puppy eyes.

Guilt immediately spread through Dean. He didn’t mean to make them so worried about him.

He sat down heavily across from Sam, his back facing the doorway.

He tried to gather his words correctly. Choose the words that would hurt less. But there was none.

“Every night, I see the same nightmare, it keeps repeating in the same details.” He started looking down at his hands that were fidgeting on the table.

“Okay, what is it about?” Sam promoted carefully.

“It starts with me on my knees, hands bound behind my back and in pain. Then- then I-I see you and C-Cas. Facing me, also bloody and on your knees, hands bound. And I see a man standing behind both of you holding a gun.”

“Do you know him?” Sam whispered.

“I can never see his face, but he is familiar to me. But can’t really put my finger on it.” He took a deep breathe, then continued. “The man would always say that he will count to ten, if-if I didn’t choose one of you, he will shoot both of you right in front of me.”

He heard Sam’s sharp intake of breath but didn’t dare to look up. He needs to let it all out before he lose his courage.

“He would start counting and I would be in denial and panic, you and Cas would shout at me to choose the other, but I can’t- just can’t. but then he would finish counting, and moved by panic and instinct alone, I find myself running then landing on my knees- right behind you to cover you from his view. When I realize what I had just done, the man would say that I made my choice, then he- then he would- he would-“ He couldn’t get his voice to say it. He couldn’t.

“Dean, please..”

“He would shot Cas in the back of his head, right- right in front of me. And I see Castiel’s d-dead eyes staring a-at me accusing and disappointed. Every damned night, the same thing happens, no matter how many times I tried to change it.”

He stopped talking as he felt himself sobbing quietly. he needs to get a grip, he will not sat there sobbing in front of his brother.

He hesitantly raised his eyes towards Sam’s when the latter didn’t talk for a while, expecting a look of disappointment and hatred in his eyes. After all, he just said right in front of him that he wished he didn’t have to choose him everytime.

But instead he found guilt, sadness and sympathy. Wait what?

“Dean, I can’t imagine how you must feel.” Sam eventually said in a pained voice. “I know that must be one of your greatest fears. But Dean, I know you see it as a second nature to always take care of me and saving me, but we are not alone anymore, Dean.”

“I will never stop saving you, Sam! That’s out of question!”

“I know. But now you have Cas too, you are not obligated to put me over everyone else anymore. Cas deserve more than this.”

“Of course he does! He deserve everything! But I can’t! I just can’t! how can I ever let you die, Sam!”

“You deserve to be happy, Dean. How do you think I will feel when I see you give up your happiness for me? Do watch you die slowly after it? It will destroy me too.”

“And what do you think how I would feel about building my happiness over you? Do you think I will be happy then?”

Sam sighed tiredly. It was a hopeless case. Both ways, Dean will be miserable.

“Are you going to tell Cas?” Sam asked quietly after staying silent for a few minutes.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean snorted sarcastically. “I will just go tell him ‘Hey Cas, I dream everynight of choosing my brother over you and let the evil guy shot you death, but I can’t promise you I will not let that happen in real life, but you know I love you, right?’ yeah, not going to happen.”

He saw Sam freeze suddenly, wide eyes staring at something behind Dean, in panic.

Dean’s heart dropped. No. No, no, no.

He turned around slowly and his heart stopped.

Standing at the doorway, was Castiel, eyes wide. And obviously heard every word Dean just said.

This can’t be happening.

  


	7. Chapter 7

The room was silent for what felt like forever.

They were all frozen in place. Sam was still staring with panicked eyes at Castiel. While Dean kept staring at the table top. Refusing to meet Castiel’s eyes.

Dean couldn’t breathe. He was sure he will have a panic attack any moment now. Castiel will leave him. Castiel will not stay with someone as messed up as him. Someone who couldn’t even put him first. Castiel deserved so much better than him. Someone who could give Castiel what he couldn’t. Castiel deserved everything.

But Dean can’t let him go. He knew it was selfish of him, but he can’t help it. He needs Castiel. He loves him. He is his life. How can someone live without his life?

He messed up. He fucked up the only good thing in his life. He should’ve known that he will finally push Castiel’s boundaries. That he will eventually do something that even Castiel couldn’t tolerate. He was a fuck up. He fucked up his own marriage! Something he never thought he will ever have! And he fucked it up. As usual.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to- if I had known I wouldn’t have just walked in. I’d have gave you a moment, I’m sorry.” Hearing the pain and uncertainty in Castiel’s voice broke Dean’s heart. He had put that there. He broke the powerful angel yet again.

“It’s okay, Cas. It’s okay. You have a right to know anyway.” Sam sighed while standing up. “I will give you guys a moment. To.. talk.” Then he left the room, leaving Dean alone with Castiel.

Dean wanted to escape. Run the hell out of here, so he won’t see the look that must be in Castiel’s eyes right now.

He felt Castiel move and set down in the chair Sam occupied a few minutes ago.

They sat in silence yet again. Not knowing how to start or what to say. Dean still refused to meet Castiel’s eyes. Dread slowly spreading through him. Mentally preparing himself for the angry words, the disgust, the heartbreak he was about to receive.

At least he got a chance of happiness. Even if it was for a short while.

“Dean.” He heard Castiel calling to him softly. “Dean, please look at me.”

He can’t do that. Not now. Not ever.

“Please, Dean. Look at me.” His heart broke at the pleading note in Castiel’s voice. Castiel should never beg. He was a powerful being, he shouldn’t beg, especially to someone as broken as Dean.

Castiel placed a gentle hand over Dean’s, startling him. “Dean? Will you please look at me?”

He could never refuse anything that man ask of him. But it was hard. Yet, he can feel he was hurting him even more now. So, he complied.

He raised his eyes hesitantly. Expecting to see pain, hatred, disgust, anger and coldness in those beautiful blue eyes. But, to his absolute shock, he didn’t find any of this.

Instead, he found warmth, love, affection, sadness and pain. But not Castiel’s pain. It was like Castiel was pained for him. Which absolutely doesn’t make any sense. How could Castiel give him that look while he heard what Dean had said?

“Why aren’t you angry?” Dean whispered bluntly. Confusion spreading through him. “Why aren’t you hating me right now?”

“I could never hate you, Dean.” Castiel said shrugging, like it was a universal fact. “There is absolutely nothing you could do or say that would make me hate you.”

“How is that even possible? How could you just accept this? I am a fuck up, Cas! Why are you so calm? Why aren’t you hitting me or telling me how messed up I am?” Dean practically shouted, not daring to hope.

“Dean, when I fell in love with you I knew what to expect. I knew the situation I was dealing with. I always knew that no matter how strong our bond is, how much in love we are, I will never be in the same level in your heart as your brother. I will never be your first priority. I knew that from the very beginning. Knew it and accepted it.”

“How can you tolerate that?! How can you accept that? What were you thinking, Cas?!” Dean’s heart was aching for his angel. To know that he will never be his husband’s first priority. That he will always come second.

“It is a part of your nature, Dean. A part that made you who you are. A part I will never ask you to change or undo. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place.” Castiel smiled sweetly at him, he cupped Dean’s cheek gently. ”Putting your family over everyone else is not a bad thing, Dean. It is an honorable thing. A trait that should be respected and loved. I will never blame you for it.”

“You are not everyone else, Cas! You are my husband! My- my everything! You are a part of this family too! Legally and emotionally!”

“I know, Dean. I know.” His smiled widened now cupping both Dean’s cheeks. “But I will never ask you to choose me over your own brother. I understand it. I accept it. I will never accuse you of not loving me enough to choose me. I will never be disappointed in you. On the contrary, I will be much more disappointed if you did choose me. How can I live knowing that you gave up your brother, your family, just to save me? Do you really think I will be happy about that?”

Dean felt tears falling from his eyes. He can’t believe the words he was hearing. He didn’t deserve these words.

“I don’t deserve you.” He choked out as more tears fell from his eyes.

“Yes, you do.” Castiel retorted with conviction, brushing away Dean’s tears. “You deserve everything good in the world. You’re beautiful. From inside out. I will never stop loving you. With all your imperfections. To me? It makes you more perfect. More beautiful.”

Dean felt warmth spreading throw his chest. How the hell did he get so lucky? To have the heart of this amazing creature? Who understands him. Who accepts him. Who doesn’t care about all the mistakes he did in his life. He just loves him for who he is.

“So, does that means you will not leave?” Dean looked at him from under his lashes, too shy after admitting what he was afraid of.

“How can I ever leave? You have my heart, how can I go anywhere without it?” Castiel smiled teasingly at him, pressing a soft kiss on his forehead.

Dean felt like he could fly from happiness as he blushed.

He leaned over and pressed his lips to Castiel’s softly.

“For the record, you have mine too.”

“Yes, I know. I am keeping it in a safe place.”   

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

They kissed a little more, both enjoying the tender moment.

Dean felt like the weight of telling them about his dream lifted from his shoulders. But sadly, he still doesn’t feel better about the whole choice thing. Both of them made it perfectly clear that they didn’t care who he will choose if he was put in a situation that demands it. But Dean cares. He can’t lose one of them. He would rather die.

He made a decision. If he was ever found himself in such a situation, he will not choose. He will die instead. That is the only choice that he will take without any regret. They are his family, and this is the least he could do for them.

They didn’t blame him. Didn’t judge him. Didn’t call him a pussy for not being able to make a choice. They understood him. Accepted him. Love him.

What more could he ask for?

When he was about to deepen the kiss a little, Sam entered the room again forcing them to pull apart.

“Sorry to interrupt, guys.” Sam started, not looking at all fazed about walking in on them. He already got used to that. “But Crowley called.”

“What does he want?” Castiel asked, brow furrowed in suspicion.

“He told us to meet him, saying it is an emergency.”

“That doesn’t sound good.” Dean muttered, a little put out. He was getting ready to pull Castiel back to their room. Crowley ruins everything.

“When and where are we meeting him?” Castiel asked getting up from his chair.

“In two hours. He sent me a location. Come on, Dean! Move!”

 

***

They got in the car thirty minutes later.

Dean insisted that Castiel sit in the passenger seat. He suspects that Dean needed him as close as possible, still needing his comfort.

They start driving. Neither of them felt like talking. A few minutes into the drive, he found Dean’s hand reaching for his own, intertwining their fingers on the seat between them. It made Castiel feel warm. Dean needs him as much as he needs Dean.

Knowing what Dean was dreaming about everynight and making him wake up screaming broke Castiel’s heart. He didn’t mean to cause Dean so much pain. So much guilt. If he had known he would’ve told Dean sooner that it was okay. He didn’t blame him for anything. But Castiel suspects that Dean still isn’t feeling better about the whole thing. It’s Dean after all.

He looked over at Dean and found him already looking at him. Feeling shy at being caught staring, he blushed and smiled shyly at Castiel, making him smile back immediately unable to resist. It warms his heart to see Dean like this. Without huge walls built around who he is. Completely bare. After all, it took Castiel years to break down those walls. With a spoon. It looks like he did a good job.

During the rest of the drive, he would always caught Dean looking at him. Like he was trying to make sure he was still there. Castiel would squeeze his hand to assure him that he was not going anywhere.

Sam was sleeping in the backseat. Probably because he didn’t get any sleep last night because of his worry about his brother.

When they finally reached the place they are meeting Crowley, they stopped the car and looked around.

“A dark alley?! He made us drive all the way here to meet in a dark alley?! There is plenty of alleys close to the bunker he could’ve chosen from them!” Dean said in agitation.

“It is not like Crowley to make it easy on us.” Castiel sighed. “Let’s wake Sam and get it over with.”

Dean still muttered angrily under his breath but he awaked Sam anyway.

They got out of the car and walked over to the demon waiting for them.

“What is it, Crowley? What’s so important to drag us here?” Dean demanded glaring at the demon.

Crowley doesn’t seem to be fazed by Dean’s angry tone.

“Something bad happened.” He announced getting straight to business.

They all straightened and looked at him with worry.

“What do you mean bad?” Sam questioned in worry.

“You know that the demons that get killed goes to Purgatory, right?”

“Yes, so?” Castiel promoted him to continue.

“Something happened, I don’t know what, it was like an earthquake or something happened between the walls of Hell and Purgatory, that made a crack. It can allow one thing to enter from Purgatory to hell. And it happened. A powerful demon you boys probably killed before had escaped from there.”

Their hearts dropped at that. A powerful demon? Which does he mean?

“Don’t you know who?” Dean asked nervously. Probably remembering all the demons they encountered and guessing who escaped. And not liking it.

“No. they escaped hell before I could identify them. But they didn’t leave empty handed.”

“Meaning?”

“They took the colt.”

They all paled at that. This is so not good.

“What?! Wait, you had the colt all that time?! And you didn’t bother to tell us?! And now it is gone?” Dean hissed at him glaring hard.

“Hello! King of Hell! I don’t ask permission from you, and I obviously will not hand you a weapon that could kill me!” Crowley hissed back obviously really nervous about the whole thing. “Anyway, it’s gone. And in the hands of a demon that is even more powerful than me. Also, if you did kill them so they must be coming for you. And Me!”

They looked at eachother in worry. That’s true. They are all in danger. Whoever that demon was they will obviously hunt them down.

“We need to go back to the bunker. It’s the safest place for us now.” Sam announced moving to get back to the car.

“I will keep a low profile until this mess is finished.” Crowley said before disappearing.

“Come on, Cas. We need to go.” Dean pulled him towards the car.

They drove off, heading back to the bunker as soon as possible.

They were all in deep thought. Wondering who might be hunting them.

Maybe Lilith? Or Azazel? Or maybe-

He didn’t get to finish the thought. None of them did. Because suddenly a huge truck collided with the Impala from his side and threw the car violently.

The Impala was thrown from the force of the impact. It tumbled down the road for a few seconds then landed upside down.

The last thing Castiel saw before darkness took him was wide, panicked green eyes surrounded by bloody face.  

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

It was dark.

And dump.

Dean was on his knees. He felt something drip down the side of his face.

Blood.

He was injured.

Also, his arms were bound behind his back with a strong rope.

Pain. There was pain everywhere in his body. Like someone decided to use him as a piñata.

Wait, why does feel familiar?

He must have passed out in the accident, because he was dreaming again.

Except, it doesn’t feel like a dream this time.

This time, he can actually feel the bumpy ground he was laying on hurting his injured body.

This time, he can fell the chill in the air. The pain much more amplified.

He heard harsh breathing. It wasn’t his own.

He wasn’t alone.

_No, it’s a dream! Just a dream._

“You are not dreaming, Dean. Not this time anyway.” A smarmy voice said mockingly. He felt a cold shiver rush through his whole body. “Open your eyes, Dean. You can’t keep them closed forever.”

He opened his eyes carefully. He didn’t realize his eyes were even closed.

The moment he completely opened his eyes, fear and panic spread through his body replacing the pain.

NO! No, no, no!

His heart was bounding so fast. He can’t breathe.

Facing him with a few feet separating them, there was Castiel and Sam. Both were bloody, on their knees and also there arms bound behind their backs. Just like him. But they looked way worse than him.

_It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream._

But he couldn’t convince even himself. Because there is something majorly different this time.

He can see the man’s face.

He didn’t know the face, but that smarmy, sadistic smile, the crazed, lustful, smug look in his eyes reminded him of someone. Someone he wished he was gone forever. Someone he fears more than anything right now.

“Alistair.” He gulped shakily eyes widening even more as the panic increases. He should’ve known. Only him is crazy enough to escape from Purgatory.

_It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream._

“I am flattered that you recognized me.” Alistair grinned at him smugly, he walked over at where Dean was laying on the ground and gripped his chin forcefully. “You must have really missed me. Missed all the fun we had.”

Dean felt himself shiver with disgust and fear as he tried to pull away from the sick bastard.

“Don’t touch him!” Castiel growled in anger, trying to get himself free.

“Why? What are you going to do, little angel? Kill me? You tried and failed before, remember?” The demon stood up and leaned towards Castiel. “Besides, you are a little tied up right now.”

“What do you want?” Sam demanded trying to hide his fear by glaring at the bastard.

He ignored him and his attention was back to Dean. He grabbed Dean’s hair roughly and pulled him up to sit on his knees.

Dean cried out from the pain and he saw both Sam and Cas struggle to get to him. But if there was anything Alistair could do, is tie people up.

“You shouldn’t have left that rabbit hole you call home, Hotstuff.” Alistair drawled bringing his face closer to Dean’s.

Dean pulled his face away, and looked up at the demon with fear and confusion. “W-what do you mean?”

“Well, you see, when I escaped, the first thing I did was looking for you of course. I needed my boy toy to have some fun. Things were a little harsh in Purgatory. It made me wanting.” He trailed his hand down Dean’s face. Dean was about to throw up. His touch made him sick. “The first thing I intended to do when I find you was to kill your freak of a brother by the colt for killing me, then have my way with you. But…” his grip tightened on Dean’s face harshly, nails digging painfully in his face. “I found you happily married to a sad example of an angel and hiding in a warded rabbit hole. I spent weeks waiting for you to get out. But when it took too long, I decided not to waste my time.” He brought his face closer to Dean yet again. Making Dean cringe. “I visited your dreams everynight. Making you live your worst nightmare. Over and over again. It was the best way to torture you while I couldn’t reach you. It was delicious to see the look of agony on your face everynight. Making you choose between your loved ones. See how creative I am”

Dean’s blood ran cold. He should’ve known. He should’ve. They shouldn’t have left the bunker. He should’ve know it was Alistair.

“But sadly,” he pulled away from Dean and walked over towards Castiel. “That stupid half angel, always made you feel better.” He grabbed Castiel’s hair and pulled his head back forcefully. Castiel glared up at him. Pure anger shinning in those eyes. ”Ruining all my hard work. I thought you weren’t marriage material, Dean. What had changed? I am guessing if your father was alive he won’t be happy about who you chose as your significant other. He must be rolling around in his grave by now. His boy is a faggot, spreading his legs to a man. Oh, wait! You already did that before.”

Dean felt horror and mortification consuming him. Not in front of Sam, not in front of Cas!. It can’t be happening.

_It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream._

“You sick son of a bitch!” Sam screamed trying to get up and release himself.

“I will kill you. I will rip your heart out and make you watch while I crush it in my hands.” Castiel roared at him, looking like he was about to explode from anger.

“Sure you will.” Alistair let go of Castiel’s hair, dismissing him in disregard.

He moved to stand behind Sam and Castiel, facing Dean. Dean’s heart stopped, he knew what Alistair is about to say.

“Now, Dean. Let’s get down to business.” He said seriously while pulling out something from behind his back. The colt. “That gun could easily kill your sweet husband and obviously your brother. So, the ultimate question.” He raised his gun pointing it first at Castiel then Sam. “Who will it be, Dean? Your husband? Or your brother?”

      

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Seconds passed anyone moving a muscle.

All staring at Dean. Castiel and Sam were looking at him with pain, sympathy and acceptance. Which was even worse. They both doesn’t care who he will choose, just wants Dean to be happy. Which is impossible. No choice he will do that will make him even close to happiness.

Alistair was staring at him mockingly. Enjoying the pain and agony that must be written all over Dean’s face way too much.

Dean didn’t move a muscle, he just sat there on his knees, he wasn’t sure he was even breathing, heart pounding so fast. He doesn’t want to even think about choosing.

It’s just a dream. He will wake up any moment now and find himself in Castiel’s strong warm arms, embracing him till morning.

This can’t be happening. Dean refused to think that. They got out of the bunker three. They can’t go back with less. He won’t survive it. He won’t.

“How about I make it easier for you?” Alistair eventually said looking bored and angry at Dean’s silence. ”Since you are obviously, unable to make a choice, I will count to ten. If you didn’t choose one before I finish counting I will shoot both of them.”

Every cell in Dean’s body shivered in fear at the familiar sentence. He couldn’t. He couldn’t allow this to happen. He needs to stop this. No matter how much it costs him.

“Please. Please, don’t.” Dean looked at Alistair, eyes filled with tears. “Please, don’t hurt them. Kill me instead. But, please, leave them be.”

“Dean, what the hell are you doing?!” Sam shouted at him, while Castiel’s eyes widened with panic.

“Please,” he had to do this.

“What’s the fun about killing you?” Alistair rolled his eyes at him, and grinned. “Dean, Dean, Dean. Didn’t you get it yet? I enjoy the look of pain and agony in your eyes. I enjoy watching you crumple, broken down, bleeding. It gave me sense of accomplishment. It gets me hard. Why would I kill you? If I killed one of those guys, I will see all of this happens to you. It will be a wet dream for me!” he laughed manically then throwing his head back and everything.

Dean’s heart stopped. No! No, no, no! That is not how it supposed to happen! He was supposed to sacrifice himself so they won’t be harmed!

“No! Please! I-I will do anything! I will be your boy toy. I will be anything! Just please! Please! Leave them be!” Dean screamed desperately. He had to do this. He have no other choice. Even if it makes him feel like he would rather die.

“Dean, No! Don’t you dare!” Castiel yelled loudly, eyes wide with panic, fear and agony.

He had to do this. He will lose everything, but at least they will be alive. Maybe they will save him someday. Maybe Cas would maybe just maybe still wants him then.

“Oh, Dean! That was so sweet and selfless! Just one problem.” Alistair said in a sickly sweet voice. “I’m already going to take you. Wither you made the choice or not. Stop trying to make deal, Hotstuff. I am not leaving this place until I kill someone.”

Dean’s heart dropped. No. No. NO!

There was no getting out of this. He will lose no matter what he choose or say. This is the end of everything. Of his family. Of his marriage. Of his happiness. Of himself.

_It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream. God! Please let it be just a dream!_

“Now, back to business.” Alistair announced, raising the colt. “Who will it be? Who will die right in front of you? Who will live spending the rest of his life trying to save you from ending your own life? Who will get to watch you get taken apart by me right in front of them? To be honest, the dead one will be much luckier.”

Tears fell down from Dean’s eyes. He will do anything to have Castiel’s arms around him now. To have his comfort. To have his warm voice telling him it’s okay, he was safe, no one will hurt him and it is just a dream.

But it’s not. It’s not just a dream.

It was his end.

“The countdown begins, Now.”

  Dean freeze from panic.

He can’t choose between his brother and his husband! That’s insane!

The demon didn’t seem to agree because he start to count.

“One.”

He can’t be serious.

“Two.”

He won’t choose. He won’t!

“Three.”

He can’t do this.

“Four.”

Sam and Cas were staring at him with fear and sympathy.

“Five.”

They knew how much he was struggling. They both wanted him to choose the other. But secretly, they wished Dean would choose them.

“Six.”

“Dean! Choose Sam! He is your family!”

“No Dean! Choose Cas! You will be destroyed without him! Don’t sacrifice your happiness for me!”

“No, Dean!”

“Dean, just choose him already!”

“Seven.”

He can’t do this! He can’t!

“Eight.”

Please, stop counting! He won’t choose! He would rather die than losing one of them!

“Nine.”

Wait, what the hell is Castiel doing?!

Castiel started to struggle to get on his feet. Groaning in pain and agony. He gave Dean one last look before turning around painfully to face Alistair, limping heavily.

Castiel’s right foot was broken. Castiel’s right foot was broken!! Can this get any worse?

Alistair stopped counting and inspected Castiel with a raised eyebrow lightly. Like he was wondering why Castiel was interrupting his delicious torture.

“Stop. Just stop.” He grunted tiredly. “Don’t make him do this. Don’t. We both know how this night should end. Just don’t make him do it.”

“Cas, No! What the hell are you doing?!” Sam screamed and tried to get up. But his leg were too injured to let him move.

Dean was shell shocked. It can’t be what he was thinking. Castiel is NOT going to do what he was thinking. He can’t!

“Just do it. Kill me.” Castiel raised his chin facing Alistair head on. “I made my choice.”

“Cas! Don’t! You can’t! Please, please, No!” Dean screamed desperately. “Stop! Stop! Don’t!”

“What are you waiting for? Come on! This is what you wanted. Just fucking do it!” Castiel spits out angrily at Alistair’s face.

A sadistic grin spread out on the bastard’s face.

“Not exactly what I wanted, but close second. The little angel is sacrificing himself, instead of letting his loyal husband choose his brother over him and live the rest of his life carrying that guilt. How sweet.” He pointed the gun at Castiel. “I will gladly take it.”

“NO! DON’T!!”

“CAS!”

The gun shot echoed through the woods surrounding them.

    


	11. Chapter 11

Dean moved on pure instinct and adrenaline.

The moment he saw Alistair raising the colt to Castiel’s face to shoot him in the head, he found himself moving.

“NO, DON’T!” he screamed getting on his feet, ignoring all his injuries, and ran towards Alistair as fast as he could. he wasn't thinking straight. The only thought that was repeating in his head was: _Save Cas, Save Cas_.

He won’t let Castiel die. He can’t! he can’t let him do this!  

He threw himself at Alistair the moment he pushed the trigger. He heard the gunshot and a grunt of pain and Sam screaming Castiel’s name.

He tumbled down on the ground with Alistair who looked completely taken aback as he laid underneath Dean.

Dean turned around fast to look at Castiel with fear to see what happened.

No. No, no. Cas!

He saw Castiel on the ground, a shining wound in his chest that was bleeding heavily. Sam crawling over to Cas to check on him.

“Cas!” Dean screamed in anguish. NO! No, no!

He turned around towards Alistair pure rage, pain and anguish filling his eyes.

“You sick son of a bitch!” he screamed in anger. He was wondering if it was the adrenaline or the anger, but he found himself breaking from the rope tied around his wrists and was punching the hell out of Alistair, over and over again.

It seemed like Alistair was weak because of his escape from both hell and purgatory because he was fighting back weakly and couldn’t get Dean off of him.

Alistair was weak.

“You shot him! You shot him, you Bastard! I will kill you! I will rip your lungs out! I will feed you your own testicles you sick, lustful, insane son of a bitch! Are you enjoying my pain now?! I will show you what I can do with my pain! I will make you regret the moment you laid a hand on me or my family! I will kill you! I will end you!” Dean was screaming loudly while punching Alistair over and over with all his strength, rage, pain and agony until both his fists and the demon’s face were covered in blood. He was blinded by the anger and pain that was running through his veins. The world disappeared around him, he was only focusing on destroying the bastard that destroyed him for forty years in hell, who did unspeakable things to him that made him see nightmares for years. Who hurt his family in his dreams and now. who made live in fear for years. Who made him cry everynight. Who hurt his husband too many times. Who shot his angel and probably killed him. He will destroy him, he will end him.

“Dean! Dean, he is alive! The bullet didn’t shot to his heart. But we need to get him out of here! He needs to go to the hospital, he is bleeding too much and I can’t help him with my hands tied!” he heard Sam shouting for him desperately.

_He needs to end him, he needs to destroy him._

“Dean!”

_He needs to end him, he needs to destroy him._

“Dean! Cas needs you!”

That made Dean stop. Cas was hurt. Cas needs him just as much as he needs him. Cas was dying.

He got off of a bloody seemingly unconscious Alistair so fast and rushed to his husband’s side. Cas needs him.

He untied Sam fast and both untied Castiel.

Dean put pressure on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding, but no luck. Blood was still falling from the wound generously.

Dean’s heart was pounding in fear and panic, Sam was right, they need to get Castiel to a hospital, Now!

“We need to get him to the car.” Dean said urgently.

“The car is upside down, Dean!”

Dean’s eyes widened, how did he forget the accident?! How are they supposed to take Castiel to the hospital now?!

Suddenly, Castiel’s eyes shot open as he start to choke for air, like there was someone choking the life out of him.

“Cas! Cas, what’s happening?!” Dean frantically grabbed trying to understand what’s happening.

He heard a sadistic laugh from behind them.

They turned towards Alistair, who was on the ground, face bloody, nose broken, teeth missing, rising a hand towards Castiel and moving it around. He was using all his remaining strength to choke Castiel.

“Stop! Just stop!” Dean and Sam screamed at him and tried to move towards him but he used his other hand to fly them a few feet away.

“I will finish what I started. There is nothing you can do to stop it! I might be weak, but that won’t stop me! I will break you again, Dean Winchester! Even if it is the last thing I do!” he screamed in madness, his eyes wide and insane. He completely lost his mind. “Do you hear me, Dean?! Even if it was the last thing I d-“

A gunshot sounded in the air. Alistair, now, with a nice hole in his forehead glowed red for a few seconds, then collapsed on the ground dead.

Sam and Dean just stared with wide, disbelieving eyes at the shooter.

Crowley looked up at them, the colt in his hand pointed at Alistair’s dead body.

“Poor fellow. He didn’t get to finish what he was planning.” Crowley shook his head in fake sympathy. ”Apologies about not intervening from the start, I needed to make sure he wasn’t in his full strength first.”

Dean ignored the anger he felt from the sentence, The bastard was going to let Alistair kill them so he won’t get hurt, but he did save Castiel after all.

Castiel!

Dean got to his feet so fast and rushed towards the too still Castiel on the ground. Sam followed him.

“He is barely breathing!” Sam announced eyes wide with panic. “His heart beat is almost not there! We are losing him!”

Dean turned towards Crowley, eyes wide and scared.

“We need to get him to a hospital. The car is upside down. Take us to the closest hospital, please!”

“I already saved you once, I won’t spent the whole night saving your asses. Besides, feathers is not exactly my favorite.” Crowley shrugged dismissively looking ready to leave.

“Please! He will die! Just please!” there must be something in Dean’s eyes that made Crowley stop and look at him with a strange look in his eyes.

The next thing they knew, they were in front of a hospital.

 

      

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

They burst through the doors carrying Castiel.

“Help! Please, he needs help!” Dean shouted to everyone in particular.

Doctors and nurses surrounded them, they took Castiel to a room and others took Sam to check on his injuries. They tried to take Dean too to check on him but he was too busy focusing on the door Castiel disappeared through.

They showered him with questions, he heard himself saying they were in a car accident and then some crazy man attacked them with a gun and the police saved them.

It was the truth kind of.

After  a while, the nurses managed to patch Dean and Sam up, much to the former’s annoyance, Castiel needs him he shouldn’t be away from him, but they made him.

Sam had a dislocated shoulder and a twisted ankle, and numerous bruises and cuts. While Dean’s head was bleeding but thankfully no concussion, he had his own set of cuts and bruises but he was the luckiest in them.

He didn’t feel lucky though.

They were now setting in front of the operating room they took Castiel in awhile ago. Dean was pacing like a caged animal, he was scared. Really, really scared. What if they couldn’t save him? Castiel was so cold when he was in his arms earlier. He lost so much blood, if Castiel was a human he would have died by now.

His entire being shook at that thought, he found himself get dizzy and stumble a little. He can’t lose Cas. He can’t lose him.

“Dean, please set down. Your head is injured, you know! You won’t help Cas like that.” Sam tried to reason with him from his place on a chair.

“I’m fine, Sam.” He murmured not looking at Sam. After remembering what Alistair said he couldn’t look Sam in the eyes anymore. He never told Sam what Alistair did to him in hell. He was never going to tell him, and Sam hearing it from the demon made it even worse. Castiel already knew, they usually had the moments after lovemaking while holding each other tenderly, they would tell eachother their secrets, their fears, confessions and things like that, they had no secrets between them. They knew each other’s fears, weaknesses and hopes. It was amazing. Perfect. Everything he dreamed about. And he was probably losing it now.

“Dean? Please set down.” He heard the plea in Sam’s voice, it made him look up at him and saw the puppy dog eyes directed at him. In those eyes he saw acceptance, understanding, admiration and love. There was no judgment, no disgust or disapproval. His baby brother didn’t care. His baby brother accepts him no matter what.

Dean felt tears trying to fall from his eyes but he held back. He will not cry in front of Sam. Even if Sam didn’t care.

He sat down heavily next to his brother, who kept staring at him with the same look in his eyes.

“He is going to be fine.” Sam started gently. “He is a Winchester after all. We don’t exactly die that easily.”

Dean was quiet for a few seconds. “But we do die, Sam.” He murmured quietly, feeling his heart aching and tears back in his eyes.

“But we don’t stay dead. We always manage to find each other. You need to believe that Castiel will always come back to you. No matter what. But right now? he is not going anywhere because he will be fine.” Sam retorted with conviction, believing every single word he was saying. Like he was merely stating facts.

Dean felt himself tentatively believing him. Sam always had that affect him on him. Seeing Sam so sure about something always made him believe him. His brother can be convincing.

Cas is going to be fine. He was strong and nothing can kill him that easily. He was a Winchester. And Winchesters always got back up after falling down. They don’t give up, they fight back. Fight even death.

“Thanks, Sam.” Dean whispered quietly, managing a grateful smile towards his brother.

Sam smiled back at him reassuringly. They are going to be fine.

Castiel now was in the operating room for almost three hours, and Dean was starting to get nervous again. What’s taking them so long?

Sam was now sleeping on Dean’s shoulder. He was tired after all that happened that day and couldn’t help himself. Dean was also so damn tired from the physical and mental exertion he did all day, especially now that the adrenaline was gone from his veins he started to feel how pained and tired he was, but he couldn’t let himself fell asleep. Not until he made sure that Castiel is alright. He won’t rest until he knew for sure.

Another hour passed, and finally the door opened to reveal a doctor.

Dean was on his feet in seconds, forgetting Sam was sleeping on his shoulder and didn’t hear the yelp Sam made when he fell down after his support was gone, now fully awake.

Dean rushed towards the doctor frantically.

“How is he? Is he going to be alright? Please, tell me he is alright.” Dean’s heart was pounding, his knees was shaking and barely carrying him. He was so scared. What if something happened? What if they failed to save him? _No, no. don’t think like that! Stop!_

“I can’t really tell you unless you are family or relatives.” The doctor said apologetically.

“We are his family!” both Sam and Dean exclaimed at the same time.

“I am his brother in law and this is his husband!” Sam continued now standing next to Dean.

“Oh! I am sorry, I didn’t know.” The doctor apologized immediately. “We managed to remove the bullet without any troubles. He was lucky, he was shot right next to his heart, if it had moved a few more inches he would have died immediately. He had a broken foot, fractured arm, a nasty gash in his side that needed stitches, two broken ribs and numerous bruises and cuts. I suspect that the car that hit you was from his side of the car, that explains all these injuries but he was lucky after all. He lost so much blood so we had to keep him for a few days to make sure he will be alright.”

Dean felt dizzy after he heard the injuries Castiel had. His baby was hurt badly and Dean couldn’t breathe anymore.

“So, he is going to be alright?” Sam asked with worry.

“If he woke up soon then yes, in a few weeks he will be as good as new, but he needs to stay rested all that time. He can’t do any effort of any kind. It will not be good to him at all. Also, he should eat probably to compensate the blood he lost and regain his strength. If he followed these orders he should be fine. But we won’t know anything for sure until he wakes up.”

Dean felt relief shot through him. Consuming him. Castiel is going to be fine. And he is going to wake up. He knew he will.

“We will make sure he follow through all that.” Sam said with determination.

“Can we see him?” Dean asked looking pleadingly at the doctor. He needs to see Cas. Needs it like he needs air.

The doctor hesitates for a few seconds then nodded.

“Of course. Follow me.”

Seeing Castiel on the hospital bed, with tubes in and out of him made Dean sick. Castiel looked so weak and pale. Fragile. Vulnerable. Breakable. Human.

It broke Dean’s heart.

He sat on the chair closest to the bed, he saw Sam setting on the other side but he was focusing only on his broken angel.

He held Castiel’s hand gently and kissed each of his knuckles.

“Come back to me, Cas. Don’t you dare to leave me.”    

   


	13. Chapter 13

_It was dark. And dump._

_He was on his knees, hands bound behind his back._

_Pain. Pain everywhere._

_He was sure his right leg was broken and his arm doesn’t feel good either. He couldn’t breathe well without his chest hurting so he guessed he broke a few ribs too._

_None of that matters. All his pain and injuries doesn’t matter. He needs to make sure his husband was alright._

_He needs to know that Dean was alright._

_He opened his eyes and his heart stopped. He couldn’t breathe. His heart shattered to million pieces._

_Dean was also on his knees, hands bound behind his back, face bloody. But what he saw in Dean’s eyes was what broke him the most._

_The look of horror and panic in Dean’s eyes made Castiel feel like he was ready to destroy the whole world for making Dean look like that._

_“I will count to ten. If you didn’t choose one before I finish counting I will shoot both of them.”  A harsh voice said from behind Castiel._

_That’s when it dawned on him. He was in Dean’s nightmare. But with his own point of view. And he knew how this dream will end._

_Alistair started to count then. Much to Dean’s obvious horror._

_“One.”_

_He already knew Dean’s choice._

_“Two.”_

_He was okay with it though._

_“Three.”_

_He will never blame Dean on his choice._

_“Four.”_

_But Dean will never forgive himself._

_“Five.”_

_He will be broken for the rest of his life. He won’t survive it._

_“Six.”_

_He will do something stupid._

_“Seven.”_

_He can’t let Dean do this._

_“Eight.”_

_He won’t let him do this. He won’t let Dean suffer._

_“Nine.”_

_Castiel ignored all his injuries. Ignored the fact that his leg was broken. He only cared about not letting Dean do this._

_He got on his feet painfully and slowly. He saw Dean looking at him with confusion at first then with fear then with panic. He couldn’t let that stop him. He had to do this._

_He turned towards Alistair and faced him defiantly._

_“Stop. Just stop.” He grunted tiredly. “Don’t make him do this. Don’t. We both know how this night should end. Just don’t make him do it.”_

_“Cas, No! What the hell are you doing?!” Sam screamed and tried to get up. But his leg were too injured to let him move._

_“Just do it. Kill me.” Castiel raised his chin facing Alistair head on. “I made my choice.”_

_“Cas! Don’t! You can’t! Please, please, No!” Dean screamed desperately. “Stop! Stop! Don’t!”_

_“What are you waiting for? Come on! This is what you wanted. Just fucking do it!” Castiel spits out angrily at Alistair’s face._

_A sadistic grin spread out on the bastard’s face._

_“Not exactly what I wanted, but close second. The little angel is sacrificing himself, instead of letting his loyal husband choose his brother over him and live the rest of his life carrying that guilt. How sweet.” He pointed the gun at Castiel. “I will gladly take it.”_

_Castiel wasn’t sure what happened next. He heard the gunshot in the air and he closed his eyes and readied himself to feel it preach his brain._

_But it never came._

_He heard a body falling at his feet and Sam’s voice screaming at the top of his lungs._

_He opened his eyes and he wished he died before he saw the scene in front of him._

_Dean took the bullet for him. Dean threw himself in front of him. Dean took the bullet. Dean was dying._

_Castiel’s entire being shook violently. NO! No, this isn’t how it was supposed to go! Dean wasn’t supposed to do that! No!_

_He fell on his knees next to Dean, who was struggling to stay alive for a few more seconds._

_“What did you do?! What were you thinking?! How could you do that?!” Castiel screamed in anguish, desperately wishing he could hold his husband in his arms. But his hands was still bound. He couldn’t even touch him! Dean needs him! How can he help him if he couldn’t touch him?!_

_“I-I c-couldn’t l-let y-you d-die.” Dean let out blood falling heavily from his mouth. He could hardly open his eyes anymore._

_“NO! No, Dean! Don’t do this! Don’t leave me! Dean! Dean, please, please, stay with me. Please!” Castiel was sobbing tears falling heavily from his eyes. Dean can’t leave him. He practically live for him. What was he supposed to do if he lost him?!_

_“I-I l-love y-y-you, C-Cas.” With that Dean’s beautiful green eyes lost the brightness he loved so much. Lost the light of the beautiful soul that laid behind them. Dean was gone._

_“NO! NO, no, no! please, no! Dean, please! Please don’t go! Don’t leave me alone, please!” Castiel screamed and screamed, but Dean’s lifeless eyes stared back at him._

_It was his fault! He did this! If he had just let Dean choose Sam on his own Dean would have bee alive! It was his fault! It was all his fault! Dean died because of him!_

_“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Dean, please come back! I need you! I am sorry! I’m sorry!”_

_He cried and screamed, over and over again. But Dean didn’t come back. Dean was still dead._

_“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Dean, please come back! I need you! I am sorry! I’m sorry!”_

_Dean died because of him. It was all his fault._

_***_

Castiel woke up with a harsh gasp and a scream. Which were both a mistake because he immediately felt a sharp pain in his chest that made him cry out with pain.

He felt a movement from next to him, then a pair of beautiful, bright, amazing green eyes appeared in his line of view staring at him with panic, fear and worry.

“Cas! Cas, you are awake! Please, take it easy. What’s hurting you?! I will call the nurse.” Dean showered him with questions, and Castiel felt like flying again from just hearing his voice.

When Dean started to move away to call the nurse, Castiel immediately reach out and held his hand stopping him.

Dean turned back towards him immediately, placing his free hand in Castiel’s hair carding his fingers through it.

“What do you need, Cas?” he asked gently, eyes warm and concerned.

“You.” Castiel murmured, voice gruff from disuse. ”Just you. Please, don’t go anywhere.”

Dean’s eyes softened immediately, love shining through them as he smiled sweetly at him. He kissed Castiel’s forehead gently, then rested his forehead against his.

“I’m here, Cas. I’m not going anywhere.” 


	14. Chapter 14

Castiel couldn’t look away from Dean’s face.

He was afraid if he even blinked, he would find himself in the dream again with Dean’s eyes staring lifeless at him.

He shivered at the thought. He was certain if that happened he would just die right there and then.

It seemed like Dean had the same problem, since he also didn’t take his eyes off of him since he woke up. He suspects that Dean still stared at him while he was unconscious too.

Dean was sitting on a chair at the head of the bed, one hand was intertwined with Castiel’s while the other was carding through his hair gently.

Sam was sitting on the other side of the bed awkwardly. He woke up earlier at Castiel’s scream too but the angel was too caught up with Dean to notice him immediately.

Castiel’s eyes trailed over Dean’s body, checking. He was relieved to see that he wasn’t seriously injured. Luckily, the car accident happened from his side so he took most of the hit, so Sam and Dean didn’t have any serious injuries. He was thankful for that.

A doctor came in earlier and checked on him. He said he had to stay for three more days. He doesn’t want to stay here! He want to go back home, to their room and lay in Dean’s arms. This isn’t fair.

“Are you hungry, Cas?” Dean asked gently, smiling at him softly.

Castiel considered his answer for a few seconds. He still didn’t get used to the feeling of hunger, but he suspects that the gurgling voices his stomach was doing was probably hunger.

“Starving, actually. Or I think I am” he frowned in confusion for a few seconds, making both Sam and Dean laugh a little.

“I will get you something to eat.” Sam said getting up, probably sensing Dean’s reluctance at leaving Castiel’s side. Dean gave him a grateful smile as he walked out of the door.

Dean’s eyes returned back to Castiel’s. He can see love, warmth, sadness, longing and guilt in those eyes. He should have known that Dean was probably blaming himself for everything as usual. But he won’t let Dean get away from it this time.

“Stop that.” He said as sternly as he could with his weak condition.

“Stop what?” Dean asked in confusion looking completely lost.

“Blaming yourself.” Castiel explained firmly. “None of this was your fault. I made my choice so you won’t have to, so you won’t feel guilty. It is over now. we are okay. You’re okay.”

Dean looked down then, his shoulders hunched in defeat.

“I almost lost you, Cas.” He murmured shakily in a tear filled voice. “You almost died. I couldn’t handle that. I will never handle that. I can’t lose you.”

Castiel’s heart broke then. He knew what Dean was feeling. He couldn’t lose Dean either. He would rather die than letting that happen.

He scooted a little on the bed, making a room beside him. Dean looked up at him and Castiel patted the free space beside him in invitation. Dean immediately got up, looking like he was waiting for this but too hesitant to ask. He laid next to Castiel on the hospital bed, resting his head carefully on Castiel’s shoulder while he wrapped an arm carefully around Castiel’s waist, avoiding his injuries, the angel wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulders bringing him closer.

They laid there, taking each other in, basking in the warmth of their embrace. They were both relieved to hear each other’s heartbeats. It meant they were alive. They were together. They were alright.

“You will never lose me, Dean.” Castiel whispered kissing Dean’s hair gently. “I will always come back to you.”

***

Six weeks later and Castiel was certain he was going insane.

Since the day he got out of the hospital, Dean treated him like a porcelain doll that wound break if you touch it a little hard. He won’t even let him carry a plate to the sink! For the first few weeks, Dean won’t let him get out of the bed. Like at all! He would stay all day with him, feeding him, made him drink water and just watch him like a hawk like he was going to crumple to dust if Dean didn’t stare hard enough.

It was sweet, it was nice, it was so damn frustrating.

Castiel removed the casts and the stitches two weeks ago, and his ribs and his other injuries were healing nicely thanks to the remaining grace inside him. But was Dean convinced by that? Of course not.

Now, Castiel finally was allowed to walk around freely, but with Dean following him around like a shadow almost all the time, Dean also made him swear on his life that he won’t get up on any stairs on his own without someone’s help.

What was frustrating him the most was the fact that Dean didn’t touch him in all those past weeks for the fear of hurting him. Sure, he was still tired most of the time and sore a little but he was getting stronger each passing day, and Dean still thinks that Castiel would die if he kissed him hard enough. Can someone seriously die for making out? In Dean’s world apparently yes, it could happen. He was horny almost all the time now and Dean won’t touch! He was seriously considering either kill him or tie him down and have his way with him.

Castiel got up from the couch Dean insisted he set on while eating his lunch to take the plates back to the sink and wash them but he was jumped by Dean.

“What do you think yourself doing? I told you not to get up from the couch!” Dean grabbed the plates from his hands to take from him but Castiel tightened his grip on them.

“I will take these plates to the kitchen and wash them.” Castiel said glaring at him.

“Sit down and I will do it.” Dean tried to push him back gently to sit back down. But Castiel held his ground. And moved away from Dean.

“Dean! You won’t even let me shower on my own! Dean… I’m on the mend. Even the doctor said I could start handling easy tasks again. Don’t worry I will try not to die on my way to the kitchen.” He rolled his eyes and started to march towards the kitchen.

“Cas, I really think you just need to take it easy for a little while longer, okay? Humor me, man.” Dean reached for the plates again, but Castiel was already walking out of the room and toward the kitchen to deposit the dishes into the sink for washing.

“Cas!” Dean protested, following the former angel’s progress from the living room, close on his heels.

He heard Dean rushing after him, and Castiel can see him raising his arms in front of him to catch Castiel if he fell. Castiel rolled his eyes again.

“Dean!” he mocked, rolling his eyes as he set the dishes into the sink.

Sam looked up from where he sat at the table with his laptop, glancing between Castiel and Dean.

 

“Still not letting you lift a finger, Cas?” Sam inquired, a grin curling his lips as he regarded the indignant look on his brother’s face as well as the exasperated one on Castiel’s.

 

“Not one inch,” Castiel said, turning on the water to run them over the dishes and rinse everything off.

 

“He’s not ready!” Dean crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at the dishes in the sink as if they’d somehow personally offended him by being there so Castiel could wash them.

 

“Dean. Two different doctors said he was ready. He even says he’s ready. You’re the only one that says he isn’t. He just wants to be up and about more, to try to get back into his routine a bit. He’s not asking to tackle another demon or anything. Just let him do it,” Sam said, lowering the screen of his laptop and shutting it with a quiet click.

 

“Thank you, Sam,” Castiel said, giving Sam a smile over his shoulder as he reached for a sponge to begin cleaning the dishes.

 

“You’re welcome, Cas.” Sam’s words only earned a glare from Dean as he looked from his husband to his brother.

 

“What the hell is this? Gang up on Dean Day?” he muttered, eyes narrowed.

“That’s every day. Today we’re just trying to get you to see reason,” Sam supplied helpfully, picking up his laptop and tucking it under his arm. “Let me know if you need help with anything, Cas.”

 

“I will, Sam,” the former angel said as he began scrubbing a plate while Sam left the room.

 

“Seriously, Cas-” Dean began, only to have Castiel cut him off.

 

“Dean, if the next words out of your mouth are ‘you’re not ready’, I’m not going to be held responsible for my actions. I. Am. Ready. And you need to come to terms with that. I’m grateful for your concern, but I’m almost fully healed and I can start doing little things again. Please, just let me do them. Let me have some normalcy, Dean.” Castiel set the sponge aside, putting the plate back in the sink and turning the water off so he could turn and look at Dean, idly drying his hands with a dish towel.

Castiel set the towel aside and reached up to frame Dean’s face gently between his palms. “I’m here, Dean. I’m all right. I haven’t left you and I’m not going to. I know asking you to stop worrying about the people you care about is like asking you to move a mountain, but I want you to at least try to back off a bit and let me do this at my own pace. Can you do that for me? Please?”

 

Dean’s eyes closed when he felt Castiel’s hands at his face, shifting to let his forehead rest against the other man’s. “It’s hard, baby,” he murmured, lifting his hands to curl his fingers around Castiel’s wrists, reassured when he felt the former angel’s pulse beating beneath the skin. He put a hand against Castiel’s heart to be reassured even more.

 

“I know, Dean, but I need you to try for me.” Castiel smiled at the term of endearment, leaning in as he whispered against Dean’s skin to softly kiss his cheek.

Dean turned his head so Castiel’s lips met his own instead. The kiss was sweet, soft and loving.

Dean kissed him like his life depended on it. Like he was trying to reassure himself that Castiel was really here with him. Alive and alright. Castiel lets him take all the reassurance he needs.

He vaguely registered the sound of footsteps entering and Sam’s voice saying something about forgetting his power cord for the laptop before Dean carefully hoisted him up in his arms and started walking him out of the kitchen and down the hallway toward the hunter’s room.

 

Castiel heard Sam mutter something about lousy timing, but all he did was wrap his legs around Dean’s waist as Dean carried him down the hall and into the bedroom, closing the door behind them. All the while, Dean’s mouth was never idle, first on Castiel’s mouth, then along his jaw and neck.

Dean laid him down gently on the bed and continued to kiss him carefully and gently. Like he was still afraid of hurting him, he was still trying not put his weight on Castiel so he won’t hurt him in anyway.

“Cas, please…” he murmured between those kisses, his fingertips ghosting under the hem of Castiel’s shirt. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I need you…”

“Then have me.” Castiel murmured against his lips, carding his fingers through Dean’s soft hair.

They were both soon naked, Castiel wasn’t sure who undressed who but he didn’t mind it anyway. Then Dean started to kiss every inch in his body, worshipping his skin. His hands trailed everywhere. He stopped for a few seconds when his eyes landed on the scar that was now on Castiel’s chest. He could see anger, sadness and guilt on those eyes then, he wrapped his arms around Dean gently, making him look up at him again. He smiled at Dean reassuringly and Dean smiled back softly, he kissed the scar carefully for a few seconds, then moved to his nipples and sucked gently.

He started to move downwards, along his abdomen then to his hips.

Castiel was writhing on the bed when Dean started to kiss his hips gently, Dean was always enamored with his hip bones for some reason but he wasn’t complaining anyway.

He felt Dean’s lubed up finger circling his entrance, he didn’t notice Dean retrieving the lube.

One finger entered him, making him breath sharply from the intrusion, but Dean distracted him by wrapping his lips around the head of his dick and sucked gently.

Castiel moaned loudly at the sensation, now two fingers inside him and Dean started to scissor him open, while he sucked him gently.

When there was three fingers inside him now, he starts to pant harshly.

“Please, Dean. Now, please now.” he panted his hands gripping the back of Dean’s head pulling him up to kiss him desperately.

Dean removed his fingers, and started to push inside him carefully, when he was all the way inside, he stopped to let Castiel adjust. The both panted against each other’s lips, not really kissing just breathing the same air.

Then Dean started to move slowly, then started to speed up gradually.

Castiel was a moaning, writhing mess. And since he didn’t like to just take pleasure without giving, he lubed up his fingers and trailed his hand down Dean’s back gently until he reached his ass, and pushed two fingers inside.

Dean gasped, his hips stuttering a little, but he gathered himself fast and started to thrust again deeper and faster this time, hitting his prostate with every thrust. Castiel pushed his fingers in and out of Dean matching his thrusts.

They kept it up for what felt like hours, until Dean let out a strangled moan and came deep inside Castiel, making him gasp at the feeling.

Dean pulled out then fast and grabbed the lube again, Castiel was confused for a few seconds, but then Dean lubed up Castiel’s dick, then removed Castiel’s fingers from inside of him.

He positioned himself and started to sink down on Castiel in one swift move. Castiel gasped sharply and gripped Dean’s hips tightly to compose himself. Being inside Dean always felt amazing and perfect.

Dean rode him for a few minutes until he couldn’t take it anymore and came deep inside his husband.

Dean collapsed next to Castiel on the bed, both breathing harshly.

After gaining their breaths again they looked towards each other smiling sweetly.

“That was…. Amazing.” Castiel breathed out grinning in satisfaction.

Dean chuckled softly, “Yeah, it was.”

They stared at each other for what felt like hours, both unwilling to look away.

Dean scooted closer and rested his head on Castiel’s shoulder and wrapped an arm around across his chest.

They stayed silent, both just warm and comfortable in each other’s arms.

Castiel felt Dean pressing a hand above his heart and pressing gently. He put a hand over Dean’s and squeezed.

“I’m here, Dean. I’m alive. I did not leave you.” He whispered gently.

“I know. Just- just let me.” He murmured hiding his face in Castiel’s neck and pressed his hand over his heart. Needing the reassurance.

Castiel let him take all the reassurance he needs.

***

Long after Castiel fell asleep, Dean was still wide awake, just laid there and listened to Castiel’s steady heartbeats.

He almost lost him. he almost died.

But he didn’t. Dean needs to reminds himself of that. Castiel was a Winchester. He was a pro at cheating death. Dean needs to believe that.

He pressed a soft kiss to Castiel’s neck and felt him press closer to him seeking his warmth. It made Dean smile softly.

He still couldn’t handle having to choose between Sam and Cas again someday. But he knew for certain that his family have his back. They will never leave him alone in this. They will always find a way to release Dean from his weight.

It made Dean certain that he will never be alone. They will always manage to find each other.

No matter what.

And that? That was perfect. He won’t trade it for the world.

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the end! I hope you guys liked it please comment and tell me what you think it will seriously make my day!  
> I hope you will like my next fics too.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like it so far! please tell me what you think.


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